What!? It's been more than a year??

It's hard to believe it's been so long since I've updated this blog about my progress.

I'm sad to report that the HCG Protocol didn't work for me. At least not the way I had dreamed. HCG will help you lose weight, no doubt, but what it won't do is help you keep it off.

By last October, I was down a total of 80 pounds. Today, I'm only down about 30 pounds. In 6 months I gained back 50 pounds! Talk about a yo-yo! Not good, I know. I now see where my mistake was. It's the same thing that would've made having gastric bypass a big mistake. I hadn't learned how to eat right. Portion control was a foreign concept to me. Making a conscious decision to choose what I eat, versus what's available & fast, was something I hadn't fully grasped.

All along, I had planned to join Weight Watchers after I had lost most of the weight. I knew I had to learn some skills, I just didn't know I needed them before I began my HCG journey.

I've finally decided to get my act together, utilize the tools available to me, & try again. I don't consider my gaining back so much weight to be a failure. I know the only way I fail is if I give up & give in. I joined Weight Watchers a few months ago, went to a handful of meetings, saw exactly what I was paying for, deemed it a waste of money (who needs someone trying to sell me the next great thing in body sculpting? I'll pay for nutrition classes, but not to be sold a gadget or gizmo, thankyouverymuch), & I'm working the system on my own. I'm still doing the program, only I'm not paying for the meetings or the online tools I never would use.

I'm only down 12 pounds so far, but I wasn't really serious about until about a month ago. And progress is progress!

The best news is, I've had a change in the way I think about food. It's a turning point for me. "Food is fuel, not fun. " (kind of like another favorite saying "Fish are friends, not food", only without the fish. haha) I have committed myself to making better choices in the things I put in to my body & also my family members bodies. My 8 year old chose to be a vegetarian about 2 years ago, & I've decided he's on to something. So for the past 5 weeks I've been meat-free. I love seeing all the gorgeous colors of fruits & veggies that adorn my counter & I'm trying so many new things I never thought I'd try, let alone like!

Life is GOOD! :)

Nearing the end of this round

Yesterday was my 40th injection for this round, so today & tomorrow I'm sticking with the 500 calorie plan, then on Tuesday I'm moving on to Phase 3. In P3, I get to re-introduce all kinds of goodies! On the very top of my list is:

• coconut
• cheese
• nuts
• anything other than chicken!

I'm almost as giddy as a school girl at the thought of Tuesday night's book club, where fabulous fondue will be served. :D :D :D

So, for this round, I lost a total of 33 pounds, on the nose. My losses were a little slower this round, but the results are still amazing! So far I'm down 60 pounds since January!!

Wednesday is my 9 year anniversary with my best friend & sweetheart. We'll be celebrating by heading to the Temple to do some family sealings & remember the covenants we made with one another so many years ago. Afterward, we'll go to some nice restaurant where I plan to enjoy a delicious steak & my company. :)

The almost ironic part of it all is, as anxious as I was to make my way in to the 100's with this round, my scale didn't agree with me. At yesterday morning's weigh in (my last injection weight or LIW), I was 200.2. I kind of feel like someone's pulled a fast one on me or something, being *that* close, but I'm okay with it. It just means that in 7 more weeks, the only numbers I'll be seeing on the scale from now on, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE (!!), will start with a '1'. Now that I can live with! :D


Though the disembodied head is a little creepy, this t-shirt embodies my thoughts. And though it's taken more than just thought to get me half way there, that's exactly where I find myself. I'm half way to my long-term goal! Sixty pounds down, another sixty to go.

Upon reflection, I find I have a lot more faith in my ability to do good things for myself than ever before. I've heard it said, & even repeated it more than a few times, "if you think you can, you can, and if you think you can't, you can't". In this battle to find myself, regain my health, build my faith, & begin to fully realize that I can do so much better (& that I'm deserving of so much better than I'm used to), my attitude is vitally important! Combined with hard work, & of course prayer, I can do anything! :D

Half Way There!

My current goal is to lose another 34 pounds & as of this morning I'm currently down 18 pounds. Due to gaining some weight between rounds, a bit of incorrect math in the first round, & my loading days, I'm not down 52 pounds like I should be, but just under 45 pounds.

45 pounds!

I feel really good about that number. And I'm starting to notice a difference in the shape of my face, which I'm very pleased about. I used to be a pretty girl. I even found proof (albeit kind of ragged looking) a few months ago, when I stumbled across my senior picture!



I know even if I got back down to my high school weight, I would never look like that again. Things have shifted over the years. I've had 4 children & nursed them all. The girls aren't where they once were. But I'm okay with that & I embrace it. I just want to be healthy again. :)

Realizations

This time last year, I was working towards jumping through all the hoops my insurance company required to approve the gastric bypass surgery I was hoping to have done. It felt like a long, arduous task, but I managed to make it through the required period of time & in to the doctor's office for the consultation.

While there, I spoke with a counselor who gave me some very good advice. She opened my eyes to something I hadn't truly considered before. If I wasn't ready to change my lifestyle, I would be doing myself a disservice by going forward with this surgery. All patients will lose weight. This was not the issue. The issue was unless I make a complete lifestyle change, spending at least 30 minutes a day in exercise, eating nutritious foods, being constantly conscious of what I put in to my body, I had better count on gaining almost all (if not all & then some, if history truly does repeat itself) the weight back within 5 years of this surgery.

I also realized gastric bypass is a last ditch effort. It's for people who have tried everything else, & nothing has worked. I realized it's taking the hard way out. Big time. I've watched three of my family members, who have had various versions of this surgery, deal with a plethora of side effects from a very serious problem with a stricture, to dumping (you don't want to know), to blood infections, to constant hunger... pretty much almost every possible side effect listed except death.

Knowing all this, I was still headed down that same road. I was sick & tired of being sick & tired all the time. I wanted to lose the weight so badly, yet every time I did I would quickly gain all of it back plus an extra 10 or 15 new "friends" would come join the party. I was willing to do just about anything to fix this.

After speaking with the counselor, I realized I had some "me" things to work on before I could go ahead with the surgery. This was last summer when I met with her. My next appointment in that office would have been for the post-op check up. I was so close to finally making this happen. It's what I'd been working towards for so many long months before! It was at that point I completely backed away from it. I needed to work on me. I couldn't go through with it, knowing I hadn't made that committment to a lifestyle change yet, only to cause myself further hardship by going through with the surgery. And I'm so glad I didn't go through with it.

Today, I realized something new. I don't qualify for the surgery anymore. With the work I've been doing, trying to get my life (weight, self-control, etc.) back in my own hands, I couldn't get my insurance company to pay for this surgery even if I wanted it! I don't meet the qualifications anymore. The only one I ever met was the one concerning BMI. Thankfully, I have no health conditions that would qualify me for this. That is to say, I didn't have them yet. With what I've been doing, my chances of dealing with those weight-related health issues have dropped dramatically. And the more I work, the less my chances are of EVER having to deal with them.

To me, this is much greater news than any number on the scale! For the first time in a long time, I feel like I know where I'm going. And I like it. :)

Six days & counting!

I've been on this protocol since January 13th & to date I've lost 29 pounds. The daily losses have slowed down drastically & I'm thinking my body's saying "this is the best you're going to get this round". :o)

I'm planning to stop my injections on Saturday (early than I had originally planned) & the diet part will end on Tuesday. I've decided to be selfish & indulge in the amazingly delish cheese fondue that will be had at this month's Mom's Book Club meeting for our homeschool group. Since I can't do this until I've moved on to Phase 3, Tuesday will be the big day.

In Phase 3, you're allowed to eat anything except sugars (not the naturally occuring kind) & starches. This portion of the protocol only lasts 3 weeks, after which I'm able to slowly reintroduce sugars & starches. I have to say, I cannot wait to eat some CHEESE! I've missed it's deliciousness more than I ever thought I could! And I'm sick to death of chicken.

Though there's still a long way to go, I feel like I've accomplished something big, for me. It makes me feel so good to think about that. :)

As hard as it's been some days, I'm so grateful I did this. No matter how much weight I lost or didn't lose, I showed myself I'm capable of taking control of my desires. I'm stronger than any craving. I'm worth the effort, for effort it has been. I've never been good at self control & often thought it was something I really didn't possess (at least when it came to food), so this experience has taught me a lot & I'm thankful for it. And I'm as eager as a beaver to get to do it again in another 7 weeks! :D

Persistence

"That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do - not that the nature of the thing has changed, but that our power to do is increased."

"I realize it takes a constant effort on the part of each and every one of us to make a success of our lives. It requires no effort at all to roll down the hill, but it does require an effort to climb the hill to the summit."

"I feel that we should learn never to become discouraged. ...I believe when we determine within our hearts that by and with the blessings of God our Heavenly Father we will accomplish a certain labor, God gives the ability to accomplish that labor; but when we lay down, when we become discouraged, when we look at the top of the mountain and say it is impossible to climb to the summit, while we never make an effort it will never be accomplished."

~ Heber J. Grant

Right now, my mountain is this weight that needs to come off. I know I cannot climb this mountain alone. I need to work on remembering this & then the moments when I feel discouraged, I can take heart in knowing I am never alone.

Acknowledging the struggle

It's good to want for things, I've decided. It's certainly not easy when it's a seemingly unceasing stream of thoughts about the food in the next room, but it's good to have opposition to struggle with. If not, I'd have nothing to overcome!

I took the advice of one of your comments & took to exercising when my stress level & anxiety over the banana nut bread in the other room (calling my name!) took hold of me. Can I just say I feel so much better!

I'll need these coping techniques in the future when things like yummy banana nut bread are allowed again. I'm glad I tried it out & saw that instead of digging in & making a pig of myself, I can handle these moments differently & come away feeling much better than before.

New routine, new struggles

I definitely feel like Cookie today!!

This is so sad to say, but I have never stopped to realize why I eat. I've never been one for restraint in many areas of my life, least of all with food (obviously). So, as these realizations come to me I think I'll list them here to help myself figure out what my triggers are & remind myself later when I may forget to watch out for these traps.

Today my trigger is my 15 year old, recently returned to be homeschooled, son. I've heard it said that people tend to eat when they're stressed, I just didn't realize it applied to me until today. My son's behavior is upsetting me today & I find the temptation to eat whatever I can get my hands on (sans grub worms & chicken wings) to be more of a struggle than usual.

I know this will get easier over time. It's good to know what to look out for, though.

What are your triggers?

P.S. I'm down another pound, as of this morning! :)

Overwhelmed with the smells!

My nose seems to be much keener than normal, because the smells of deliciousness that seem to follow me around are driving me batty for the want to shoveling them in like the Cookie Monster with his cookies.

My best defense? I have to picture something really gross to associate with that smell & the desire abates to the point of it being very tolerable.


This seems to do it for me every time! I can hardly look at that image without getting the heebie-jeebies. *shiver*

I've been told a craving only lasts 15 minutes, so if I can hang on that long it'll get better. Well I found a way to shorten the process, because 15 minutes feels like an eternity when you're living it.

So, what works for you? How do you put those cravings in their place?

Nothing tastes as good as...

I think I'm going to start sharing some thoughts that I think will help me along the way. Perspective, you know? So, here it is; the sometimes completely random inner-workings of my mind...


Nothing tastes as good as the thought of being able to do jumping jacks without the sound of firecrackers going off when my thighs meet.

:o)